JBF talk – Nurse Paul – Her Experience on the JBF Ward

I consider Ns. Paulie more than just a colleague or friend. She’s my sister.  She brought life to the JBF SU with her bubbly personality. So when she told me she wanted to be transferred I was deeply saddened and upset. Now, I have a greater appreciation of why it was necessary. 

JBF Talks to Ns. Eastlyn Paul  Registered Paediatric \ Neonatal Nurse

Ecclesiastes 7:1
“A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death is better than the day of birth.”

Nothing and no one can fully prepare us for the death of a loved one, whether death resulted from an accident, illness or suddenly. It always catches us off guard; it hits like a thunderbolt and erupts every mournful emotion that may exist. It is final, deeply personal and it further rips away at our humanity when it involves children. Children are precious beings and ta child’s death should not be in the order nature.

I have worked on the Just Because Foundation Specialty Unit for a period of four years. These patients and their families mean the world to me. I always do my best to give them the greatest chance at life.

When I began working on the ward, I was very excited because prior to specialising in Paediatric and Neonatal nursing, I only worked with adult patients. I was thrilled to meet the patients and their families, and to follow my new career path with my enhanced training. The patients and the job became my life. The children became part of me, particularly the ones without relatives at their bedside. The nurses became their caregivers, their security and comforters, providing them with physical, emotional and spiritual support.

Things were going as planned for me until I was faced with my first experience of seeing a child die. I was part of the resuscitation team and I know we all tried our best. It was a hit from reality that left me in dismay. This child was now dead. He was not only my patient but also my pal; he was a little person with an identity. I cringed in agony as his mom held him in her arms and wept.

Subsequently, as I witnessed more loss, I began questioning God. Do these innocent children deserve this? How was it possible for babies to develop cancer and die? I had so many questions I became overwhelmed and drowned in my sadness. After a patient dies, the nurse has to prepare the body for the mortuary. This is a finality that we are also faced with that one can never really prepare for.

Nurses are often judged by others. If we don’t cry or display visible emotions we are labelled cold-hearted. If we shed a tear or two we are considered weak. 100% of the time we are aching inside but consumed with being that person to provide solace to the family as their agony and grief makes them weak and vulnerable.

Due to this, I was on a downward spiral. My faith was being tested more and more until one day I stopped praying and considered myself a failure. I believed that I failed as a specialised nurse. I felt like a failure to the child and the parents who trusted me and whom I encouraged and gave hope to.

Going to work became a daily task for me, every time I entered the ward, I would become fearful. I wished for my tenure on the ward to come to an end. It was taking a toll on me. I became weak, weary and angry with God and questioned His existence. Deep down I knew something was wrong with my reaction to this situation. I always considered myself a God-fearing, faithful, praying individual but was easily weakened by my experiences with death, dying and suffering in children. One day in my depressed state I mustered the strength to ask God for forgiveness, I turned to Him because I felt trapped in my emotions and realised my coping mechanisms were not positive.

RESTORATION

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
“To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to reap; a time to fight and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build: A time to weep and a time to laugh. A time to mourn and a time to dance.”

I don’t consider myself a fully restored person, but I can assure you the journey toward restoration is well on the way. I was reassigned to the Paediatric Surgical ward where my self-esteem has improved significantly. We nurse these patients back to health after surgical interventions. The mortality rate in this area of medicine is very low.

My relationship with God is a work in progress; I have stopped asking “why?” I now ask for courage and strength to cope. I believe that I should not have stopped praying but rather sought the necessary help. I am still trying to fully accept death despite the age or stage in life because it is just how God designed it. Who am I to question Him? I began to take comfort in believing that the child has gone to a better place. I was once told by a wise man that there is no place like HEAVEN.

I pray in my lifetime or in time to come that our faith and hope brings a cure to this disease. I also pray for continued partnerships with International Hospitals e.g. Johns Hopkins and SickKids to continue with study and research to formulate cures. I am grateful to the JBF because their presence brings relief to the patients and their families. The love, support and assistance that is rendered is truly a blessing.

My four years working on the JBFSU was memorable because of all the experiences I had. The greatest positive outcome was the family I have made, the bonds that were built. For this I am truly grateful. I have lost and I have gained.

To the parents and families of the kids that have passed away, I pray that courage, peace and faith have been restored. Please allow your love and fond memories of your child to dwell in your heart and soul. For this is stronger than death.